The Steampunk Empire

The Crossroads of the Aether

My next film is a comedy about a man who was left at the Renaissance Festival as a child and is raised believing that's what the world is like. He leaves the festival finally and comes to the real world. Until half way through the movie everyone thinks he is a time traveler.

So, I need some jokes about the inaccuracies of Renaissance Festivals. Lets say he came from a REALLY inaccurate one.

Example: He makes dinner for someone and puts everything on sticks.


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70% of all renaissance females were born with furry tails and many of the rest had fairy wings or horns.

Chainmail is primarily use for bikinis.

Kilts are as common as dresses. 

Only 10% of the population are peasants, the rest are middle class or higher.

To clarify a point, do you mean Renaissance Festivals versus the actual Renaissance, or Renaissance Festivals versus the modern world?

Either kind of joke will work.

No, it is the real world.

Peasants are cleanly showered and have luscious locks of hair?

People in England not only know what a turkey is, but everyone eats it, but only the legs....

Chocolate covered anything.... especially tropical fruits. (I'm looking at you Monkey Tails)

Aluminum armor is fine, but god damn it, NO ALUMINUM GROMMETS!!!!

Trolls and wizards abound, all without being mercilessly killed, tried, burned at the stake, etc. In fact, they seem to be viewed as good, harmless fun.

Back to peasants, apparently they all wear brightly colored cotton or cotton-poly blends. All in perfectly bright colors though, naturally, because peasants could totally afford imported cotton in bright colors.

I have more, but I'm drawing a blank.

He could possibly had been brought up in a faire where executioners sing merry tunes about their job.

And the Royal Court perform Yankovic-like songs on stage.

He would be accustomed to people wearing sunglasses, smoking cigarettes, talking on cell phones, and tennis shoes. 

Once every ten minutes of every day he must stop to pose for a picture. The options for jokes here are endless.

The highest authority in all the land is not the king, but in fact the parks department. So he must always stop and pick up trash or yell at someone feeding a squirrel.

He has a cell phone from which he moderates the faire's facebook page. Which means secretly he would be good at computers and probably texting people behind their backs until the end of the movie. They just wouldn't notice, and he wouldn't be hiding it on purpose.

He switches randomly between faire speak and modern slang. Pirates are fairly lovable and tend to wander round smiling and drinking beer whilst talking to the nobles. 

He thinks that everyone "jousts to the death" in the real world.

If you need any inspiration, I suggest the Renaissance Faire Mysteries by Joyce and Jim Lavene (found in the mystery section in books stores). They are hilarious.

They are: "Wicked Weaves", "Ghastly Glass", "Deadly Daggers", and "Harrowing Hats" - so far.


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